Nothing but a heartbreak

Today was just another day, I was sitting in math and finishing some homework and decided to check my e-mail and there it was. Personally, I didn't know how to respond to it but my heart sure did. The tears filled up in my eyes and it took all of me to hold them back. I just don't understand how a father can keep his only daughter in the dark about a marriage proposal. Okay yeah, I get it, maybe you didn't know exactly when you were going to do it but wow you don't just bring a ring on a trip without clearly knowing you will be doing it within that week. Words can't even describe how I feel. A group e-mail was my way of finding out that I will have a step mom in the next year. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she is so wonderful but the matter of fact is that I DID NOT KNOW. It isn't like my dad and I haven't talked about this happening, we talked about it very often, so maybe that's why it hurt so much. And the feeling that he told my soon-to-be step brother first makes my stomach sick, but I won't know until the end of the week since ya know he has no cell service in Mexico and I don't plan on being very thorough with my e-mails to him. How about this dad, when I get accepted to college, I won't tell you right away and then, I will tell you in an e-mail. Granted, it isn't as big of news as yours but it'll just give you some indication of how I fell right about now. And to make matters worse, I had no one to call so I called my mom, and it made me feel horrible for having to tell her about this 1) over the phone and 2) while she still has the rest of the day at work. But I couldn't call my brothers for different reasons and then of course I can't call my dad for reasons which are already clear. But I needed someone to talk to other than my cat because that would just bring about phycological problems. I know I will get over it eventually, and it is probably best that I can't talk to my dad. I don't want to be the bitchy daughter who sucks all the fun out of the engagement but I also have 0 intentions of putting my feelings aside when they are so clearly hurt. So, to find a happy balance I must give it some time for all my anger and betrayal feelings to go away so that I can figure out why I am actually so distraught about this. Maybe it is because I am fearful of loosing time with my dad once more. Before he and my mom separated, we never spent any time together and I remember he telling me how much more time we were going to spend together because he wasn't going to coach football anymore and he would have time to spend with me and well that lasted like a couple months. Then he started dating Robin and here we are now. I get that I am getting older but dammit that doesn't mean I don't want to go out shopping with my dad without him pointing out things he could buy Robin, or eating dinner while he is texting her, this isn't a high school relationship. Only time will tell how this will all play out, at this rate I probably won't be invited to the wedding and they will just elope and let me know about it over e-mail but who knows.

xoxo

Say what you want

As much as I just want to sit here and say everything I've ever wanted to about you, I'm not going to because I never have. Never in the period of our friendship have I ever said anything back about you to anyone, and yes, I want to tell you all the wonderful things I've said and all the times I've stood up for you but honestly you don't deserve it right now. I love you, and yeah, I can be a bitch but I own up to it and never once have I totally flipped out on you. Maybe our definition of "best friends" is different but I thought I could come to you and tell you anything about anyone because you can do that with me. I'm not going to say I was totally wrong, but I guess you took it to heart since you have the same things in common with her. For about 10 minutes I was beyond upset, not sure what to do and unsure of what to say, but I've figured it out. You can send me all the mean things you want (well, you can't anymore), but I know myself better than you will ever know me. Try and tell me I need counseling, and that I'm the problem in all my friendships but honestly, I know when and what I've done wrong in my life. I'm a good person and do my best to be a great friend. You can't drag me down because something is bothering you because I am strong enough to pull myself back up. And yeah, maybe I don't have many friends but look at me, I'm totally comfortable with my life. So seldom do I ever complain about my lack of friendships so you can't try and throw that at me. And yes, I have had counseling, but I'm way beyond that and the fact that you suggested it to me says more about you. 

I can't stop you from what you do, what you say and who you hang out with, but I can stop you from saying the things you did. Not that I hope you plan to, but you can not contact me for a while. I have issues, and I am well aware of mine, but you just avoid yours by hooking up and being reckless. Being a teenager is no excuse because I know many of teenagers and they aren't like you. Stop making excuses and stop trying to "make me a better person" because you don't know what I need and honestly, I don't think you even know what you need.